Day: December 26, 2008

talisman roses…and the passage of time…

talisman rose, my mother's mirrorsMy mother always collected mirrors and my little brother and I alway look at ourselves in the mirror as if to define something…

this is the edge of one of hers — no, my grandmother’s…

this one is in the bathroom — and that is a rosebush now in its 20th year.

my grandmother’s favorite — the talisman rose…

I just learned that my only little brother is moving away to Australia –

He has lived for many years in Mexico — this is making me very sad today — the economy tanked for he and his wife in the business they were in and so he is going to where she is from. A huge family awaits him, there.

I guess they will be his new family now that our family is gone — her parents are in their 70′s and she said she hadn’t had a Christmas with family in 20 years.

He’s scared — I can tell. He will have to reinvent himself once again — like me he has done it many times already — but we are the only link to our actual past and childhood — I don’t even want to think about it right now.

Christmas was quiet. Very.

My husband gave me perfume.

I gave him just one shirt. It was sad because I would prefer the days I was struggling to be the ideal daughter or daughter in law (which I never was) but…

I’d rather have a party atmosphere than quiet…

My husband was crying a little over the loss of his parents too.

Is this state ever going to change?

Dunno.

I have to find something I want to do pretty soon — just decide what that is and do it–we just spent the last decade taking all these parents to the end and that has really taken a psychic toll on us.

My mother left us with a legacy of mirrors.

Sometimes I don’t even want to look because I can see the toll.

We were out last year, but this year I made a soup — for New Year’s and for Christmas we had my famous potatoes — this time scalloped with whipped cream, damn it.

We drank plenty of cocktails too…and had fires, and lots of Christmas lights and…

Dunno.

I just have to figure out what to do next, after loss.

So, I’m going to swim. I decided to join the YMCA and swim. The water is going to ease my mind like it always does and they have a sauna and spa plus yoga…

I’m going to work on my novel “whitegirl” I guess.

It’s hard. Not feeling too political today by a long shot…

Tomorrow. Maybe I’ll feel more political tomorrow.

I think I’m going to resurrect my little camera so I can take more pictures of my life, and finish going through this place. It’s so hard to see all my family in these objects — it is.

I’ve got to figure out how to keep going. Forward.

Someone is giving away a horse. All I want to do is be around them right now.

Just riding. And currying, and throwing my arms around them.

We are still taking care of my mother’s ancient cat, and his mother’s ancient dog

and then there is our dog and our cat!

We have had soooooo many animals, wow.

These are my grandparents, my mother and my uncle when they were all terribly young at the beach — it must be 1937 or so…

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