Day: August 7, 2011

shellshock, inc.

Pretty much how I feel today.

Like a shell tossed up on a beach.  I think what I feel most is a sense of loss for what has been lost, and what I might not know has been lost, and I miss my own family very much.

The initial shellshock came from the layoff, and then the fact I quit because of the layoff of my husband.

Then there was my mother’s passing.  That was the hardest after my grandparents — in the late nineties.  That was 2002.

So, I’m an American who fell off the map like so many others with advanced degrees who have been devasted by the layoffs and job losses in the country.

After my mother passed I stopped working.

In 2003.

I wish I had been somewhat stronger now than I was but the whole thing was like an ocean that rolled in and swept everything out on the tide.

I started writing.  This was like a cocoon I was building around the feelings maybe.

If you worked all your life then work is identity.

So, I am identityless.  Except for the books I wrote.

I’m thinking about my own identity that I have to reforge after this hiatus.  I want to go back to work and I have never been one to get any kind of social assistance — but?  Are there any jobs?

Dunno.

This is Mercury Retrograde conjunct Pluto.  Into September.

I feel a sense of fear about the planet after looking at the news in here.  I want to go backwards to a simpler time.

What I want back is myself the way I started out before this.  I was pretty fearless once and I was able to do a lot of things.

What I would do is look for a different community maybe — smaller where there is land and a simple house.

Where is the question?

The whole country is falling apart — that is what it seems like from here.  My state really has — I have been out looking, and I am from here — from this town.  Today everything hurts.  Today I am facing the last decade of pain.  Tomorrow maybe it will be clearer and I will make some concrete plans.

It’s hard to eat anything.  I feel very stressed out thinking about the reality I am facing.